


Into the Oven

by AmariT



Series: Wilderness Heart [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, I don't understand tagging, feel free to tell me if I'm doing it wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2012-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 06:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmariT/pseuds/AmariT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Roxy, and it has been way too long since you hung out with your favorite cuz, so you think it's about time you inject yourself back into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Dangerous Game](https://archiveofourown.org/works/439429) by [AmariT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmariT/pseuds/AmariT). 



> This is the first in a series of short stories / drabbles set in the universe established in [A Dangerous Game](http://archiveofourown.org/works/439429) that Kyrianne and I are going to be writing. Since A Dangerous Game is self-contained, whereas these are going to be telling a longer more rambling story (with plenty of dalliances), we decided to set it as the inspiration for this series instead of as part of the series. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Also posted on [Tumblr](http://amarits.tumblr.com/post/25607025614/into-the-oven-ch1)

Your name is Roxy, and it has been way too long since you hung out with your favorite cuz. You used to hang out allll the time. Or at least you used to hang all over him while drinking your favorite martinis and chatting up people who weren't him. What can you say? Much as you love the guy, he's never been much for socializing. He's the only person you know who actually manages to get more moody and lonerish with a couple of drinks in him.

Is lonerish a word? Yes. Yes it is. You have decided that it is, and it is an awesome word that you are going to use daily for at least the next few weeks. It should be easy to casually slip into conversations since you're on your way to visit the lonerish loner now. 

You giggle softly to yourself as you approach his door. He is going to be sooo surprised, especially since you managed to swipe an extra key from his place in one of your more entertaining drunken escapades. 

You miss the lock your first four tries. What is with your cousin and these weird moving locks that jump every time you get the key close? You finally manage to sneak up on it on your fifth try and stab the key in. Success! You take a short break to recalibrate yourself and then open the door. 

You've always thought his apartment was awfully small considering that he's like a millionaire. Or at least he should be. Maybe he’s already managed to spend his way through all that dough his brother left him. You wouldn't doubt it. Guy's got some expensive habits. 

You're about to close the door when you notice wide green eyes peeking over the top of the futon. The eyes are attached to creamy brown skin that looks so delicious you just want to lick it and swooshy black hair. 

"Uh, hi?" you offer, continuing to stand in the doorway. 

His eyes narrow and a low growl emanates from him. 

"Hi?" you try again, more nervously this time. You step backwards as he pushes himself up from the futon, his spine curling behind him like a cat preparing to pounce. Then he's springing at you and you stumble the rest of the way into the hallway and slam the door. You hear a thump as he hits it from the other side.

You stand in shock for a few seconds before yanking your phone out of your purse. Your hands are shaking as you dial and you almost drop it. Finally you get it ringing and to your ear. 

"Yes?" your cuz answers in his typically monotone. 

"Dirk! Dirky Dirky Dirk Dirk!" 

"What do you want, Roxy?" he asks. 

"There is a crazy person in your apartment!" 

There's a beat of silence and you mentally congratulate yourself for knocking him off guard for once. Then he says, "What were you doing in my apartment?"

"No, no, Dirk. You missed the important part! There is a crazy person. In your apartment. He growled at me and lunged at me and he was like a wild animal!" 

"Jake lives there. You do not. I repeat, what were you doing in my apartment?" 

"I..." You go over what he said again and it still makes no sense, so you repeat it a few more times. Finally something clicks. "Dirky Dirk... Do you have a boyfriend?" You squeal as the last word leaves your mouth. "Oh em gee, you do, don't you?" 

"He's not my boyfriend; he's my roommate," he says, trying to ruin all of your dreams, but you're not buying it. 

"Roommate?" you repeat. "In your one bedroom apartment?"

"Yes."

"Where does he sleep?" You're like Sherloxy Holmes, easily uncovering all of the lies with your use of logic and feminine wiles. Actually, the feminine wiles aren't doing much for you right now, but you keep them in your holster, ready to draw at the slightest provocation. 

"In the closet, typically." 

"Pffffffffft!" You barely hold back your knowing laughter. "Fitting, don't you think?" 

"I'm not sure what you're implying," he says dryly, "nor do I have any interest in dragging it out of you."

"I'm implying you're pretending not to be gay," you tell him directly, mentally shining your interrogation spotlight on him. It instantly transitions into the spotlight at a strip club and you’re already wondering just how much alcohol you’d have to get into him and his boyfriend to convince them to go onstage and do a little dance when his sigh interrupts your totes awesome plotting. 

"I'm glad that we could get that out of the way as painlessly as possible,” he says. “However, I assure you that I am not 'pretending not to be gay.' Jake is not my boyfriend. Now, could you please refrain from breaking into my apartment?" 

"Fine! I'll just get inviiiited in by your booooooyfriend." 

He hangs up. How rude. 

You knock on the door but get no response. You put your ear to the door trying to hear if he's on the other side of it, but you left all of your fancy pants detective gear in like a past life or something. You now regret having never bought any fancy pants detective gear. You put your eye to the view scope thingy even though you know they don't work that way, but you like the idea of him trying to look out and just seeing your eye. You giggle to yourself and then remember that you're supposed to be totally scoping out Dirk's boyfriend and put your serious face back on. 

"Can I help you?" 

You jump away from the door at the sound of a voice behind you. 

"Oh, hi!" You say to the cutie patootie brunette watching you disapprovingly. She's so small and plush that you want to snuggle her like a teddy bear. "Hiiiiiiiiii," you say again, this time with significantly more grins and giggles. "I'm Dirk's cousin, Roxy. I'm sure he's mentioned me." Her expression shows not the slightest twinkle of recognition, but you press on. "I'm here for a visit, but Jake won't let me in." 

"Oh." She bites the edge of her lip and looks at the door. "I guess you could come by my place for a bit. I'm just going to be baking." 

"That would be fab!" You just know this is going to be the perfect opportunity to put your new found detective skills to work. 

\--

Your name is Jane, and you're not sure how comfortable you are with inviting a stranger into your apartment, but she does know Jake and Dirk's names and she does bear a striking resemblance to Dirk. 

"How well do you know my cuz?" she asks as you walk in and put your groceries on the counter. 

"Not well at all, I'm afraid," you say. "He's always kept to himself." 

"That does sound like him. He's quite the lonerish guy." An odd smirk crosses her face at that statement, but you're not sure why. You're fairly certain that lonerish isn't even a real word. 

"I've been getting to know him more lately," you continue, "but we never seem to have much to talk about." 

"What about Jake?" she asks, leaning forward with barely contained excitement. You get the feeling that she's trying to pry into dear Dirk's life, which you actually find reassuring as it seems like exactly the sort of way that relatives behave. 

"Jake's a nice guy," you say slowly, thinking about the few encounters you've had with him, "if perhaps a bit odd. He was rather quiet when I first met him, but I gave him some cookies and he's been nothing but friendly since." 

"So what you're saying is I just need to bribe him with some cookies and he'll let me in," she says, her face brightening.

"I don't think that's what..." you start hesitantly, but she interrupts you.

"Mission totes accepted!" She exclaims, jumping up. "Let’s dress in only aprons and strike sexy poses with adorable dollops of cookie dough on the tips of our noses!" 

"What?" you ask, your face getting so hot so quick that you worry it may have spontaneously combusted.

"You're right, Janey, we should take things slow. Let's just bake some cookies this time."

"Yes," you agree quickly. "That would be for the best." You pause. "Wait..."

\--

Your name is Roxy, and you are the best negotiator.


	2. Chapter 2

Your name is Jake English, and you are feeling quite proud of yourself! You have just single-handedly fended off an invasion on your territory! You want to brag of your accomplishment to Dirk Strider, but he's currently away and you've yet to perfect the usage of his telephone. He's explained the contraption to you multiple times, and of course you're familiar with it from your movies, but there always seems to be additional rules that nobody has bothered to mention.

You pick up the head of it and meticulously punch in the numbers exactly as written on the plastic covered sheet of paper mounted beside the phone. When it starts to ring, you remind yourself that this is what is supposed to happen while calling another and it is not now time to push buttons and answer the phone as you have seen in the movies.

"Is there a problem?" he asks, his standard response for when you go out of your way to contact him. 

"Not at all!" you exclaim. "In fact, I have just defended our territory from invaders!"

"So I heard," he replies. "Good job." 

"Thanks! I..." You trail off and duck behind the futon, eyes scanning the room. "Wait, what do you mean by heard?"

-

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you calmly wait for Jake to finish his rant about spying and how unsporting it is. Ever since he found one of the cameras you had hidden in the living room, he's been unreasonably paranoid. You pull up the tracking grid for the chip in his collar and watch his dot bound about the apartment. Each pause of the dot is accompanied with sounds of crashing and rustling from the phone. 

"Relax," you say. "I'm not spying on you." The dot stills. "I heard it from my cousin. She's the one who 'invaded our territory.'" As you mimic him, you think how interesting his use of the word "our" is. He still refers to the apartment as "Dirk Striders's," but apparently the territory is "ours." 

"Oh." His dot resumes moving along the edges of the room, but more slowly now. There's no longer any cameras for him to find, regardless. You could undoubtedly distribute better disguised ones about the living space, but there's little reason to. He's fully accepted the collar you gave him, particularly its green, skull-shaped tag, as the pinnacle of fashion. "Should I have let her in, then?"

"No, if she had been invited, I would have warned you of her arrival. You did well." You watch his dot return to the futon and close the grid. "I don't entirely dislike her, though, so we will have to allow her access to the apartment eventually." 

"Oh." He sounds disappointed and it takes you a moment to discern why. 

"...You wish she really were a burglar, don't you?" 

"Or a pirate. It certainly would have been more thrilling!" 

The edge of your mouth creeps upwards. "She is a hacker, if it makes you feel any better."

"Oh!" he exclaims, suddenly excited. "Then she can show me how to use your computer!" 

"...You should probably wait until I get home to talk to her." 

"I've got to go and see if she's still around! Bye!" 

"Jake." A loud clattering sounds through the receiver, but no dial tone follows. You suspect that he simply dropped the handset instead of hanging it up, so you can't even call him back.

You stand up and grab your belongings. You were done with work for the day anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

Your name is Roxy Strider, and you are hella prepared. You have a plate of cookies, a cute petite neighbor girl, and a heart of gold (or reasonable equivalent) to help you win over Dirky's boyfriend. You plaster a winning smile on your face and ring the doorbell.

The door swings open immediately, making you jump and almost spill the cookies. 

"Hi!" Jake exclaims. Now that you're up close and not nearly personal enough, you can see his crooked teeth and assortment of scars, but also his finely-toned muscles and how his clothes emphasize all the right spots. Rawr. Good job, cuz. 

While you admire first his front and then his oh so delicious backside, he grabs your wrist and drags you into the room, babbling the whole time. "I'm mighty glad you're still here!" he yells over his shoulder. You give up on keeping the plate steady and just let the cookies fall in a path behind you. "I must apologize profusely for earlier; I didn't know who you were. I've spoken to Dirk Strider, and he explained everything. And now I would sincerely appreciate if you would show me how to use his computer." He puts his hands on your shoulders and pushes you down into a seat in front of the desktop. The screen is asking for a passcode. "I've never managed to get past this page." He looks back at Jane, who has hesitantly followed you to the computer. "Oh, hi Jane." She waves uncertainly.

You grin up at him. "I don't know if I should help you break into my cuz's belongings," you say slyly. 

"Oh, pish posh," he dismisses. "You yourself broke into your cousin's belongings not an hour ago." 

Your grin widens. "Fair enough," you reply in a sing-song voice as you enter your cousin's password.

Of course you know his password. Everyone knows his password. It's the most awesome password imaginable. 

You smirk at Jake and scoot over so that half the chair is open, patting the empty space beside you. 

He plops down immediately, grinning at the screen. "Cracker Jack!" he exclaims, which you think is a good thing? "Now what?" 

"What do you mean?" you ask blankly.

He looks at you with the widest, most innocent eyes. "What do we do on this page?" 

"Oh, baby," you croon, "don't you know how to use a computer?" He shakes his head and you fling your arms around him. "Don't worry. We're going to remedy this immediately." You leave one arm in place while using the other to move the mouse. "First thing we need to do is click this start button right here, then we click this white box--this is called the search box." You drape your second arm back around his shoulders. "Okay, now type 'porn'."

-

Your name is Jane Crocker, and you are not at all comfortable with where this is going.

"Roxy!" you exclaim, your cheeks filling with heat.

She grins at you. "Oh, come on Janey. If we're going to be breaking into his computer, somebody needs to invade his privacy."

"How do you spell porn?" Jake asks, his nose only a few inches from the keyboard. 

"P," Roxy said, patiently waiting until he locates the letter before saying the next one. "O. No, that's a zero. The O's right beneath it. R. N. It looks like a sideways Z. Right there at the bottom, see? Great! Now press enter."

He punches the enter key with enthusiasm usually reserved for... Actually, you're not sure you ever that amount of enthusiasm outside of movies. 

"Roxy, really," you say, covering your face--but peeking through your fingers--as the computer searches. You sigh in relief when it comes back with zero results.

Roxy hems and haws. "Well, that's odd," she muses. "Jake, what we need to do now is go back to the search bar. You try it this time." 

"Do I need to follow this protocol every time I use a computer?" 

"Absolutely!" Roxy exclaims.

"Roxy!"

"...not," Roxy finishes as if that had always been her intention. "We're just having fun."

You return to the door while Roxy instructs Jake on using a mouse, picking up the fallen cookies on your way. You nervously look towards the elevator to make sure Dirk's not coming, and consider just escaping back to your apartment. Despite your nerves, though, you can't deny that this is a little bit... fun. You close the door so you'll at least have some warning before he barges in, and return to the computer in time to hear Roxy spelling puppets.

"Puppets?" you ask.

"What can I say?" Roxy replies with a messy wink. "Dirk likes his toys." 

Considering her last search term, you wonder whether she's referring to normal toys or sex toys, and then quickly try to banish the resulting image from your mind. You're sure that she's just looking for innocent photos of marionettes. 

"Okay," Roxy says as thousands of results spill onto the page. "Which ones of these look like porn titles?"

You really should have escaped when you had the chance.


	4. Chapter 4

Your name is Dirk Strider, and there is an abandoned cookie sitting on the floor immediately outside your closed door. There are not many scenarios in which this isn't suspicious. 

You quietly open the door, noting that it hasn't been properly locked, and peer inside. Jake and Roxy are sitting side-by-side on a thin chair while Jane leans over them with her mouth agape. 

"Something interesting?" you ask. 

Jane has the common decency to jump and look embarrassed, but Roxy says, "Hey, Cuz," her eyes still glued to the screen, and Jake doesn't even acknowledge your arrival. 

You stride over to them so that you can see what they're watching. Jane quickly shuffles to the side to give you a better view, covering her bright red face with her hands. 

It's just puppet porn. That's a relief. 

You take the mouse from Jake and he starts when your hand brushes against his. 

"Oh, hello, chap," he says, seeming to notice you for the first time. You smirk at him and a flush spreads across his cheeks. 

That may be a good sign, actually. You'll have to run some experiments later. 

You close the window and Roxy groans. "It was just getting to the good part!" she whines.

"I'll send it to you," you reply. You open an internet browser and slide the mouse back to Jake. "Why don't you try fiddling about in here for awhile instead."

Jake cheerfully takes the mouse. "There's a white box," he says. "Should I search porn?" 

Roxy exclaims, "Yes!" and Jane immediately shooshes her.

"No," Jane says. "Here, I'll show you some cool stuff."

You walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water and Roxy follows you. 

"I like your boooooyfriend," she says, obnoxiously drawing out the o sound. 

"What do you want, Roxy," you ask. "I haven't seen you since I lost interest in attending Hollywood parties."

"And whose fault is that?" she drawls. 

"Yours, I'm sure. I assumed your only interest in me was the parties I could get you into."

Her expression falls. "What? No..." She stumbles over her next few words, and then throw her arms around you.

You stiffen. "Please stop that."

"That's not it at all," she says, ignoring your request. "It's just... you were always fickle about when you wanted to do things, so I just let you invite me, and when you stopped inviting me I thought it was because you weren't in the mood to do anything. I would have been happy to just hang out here if that's what you wanted to do. I should have gotten in touch sooner. I'm sorry." 

"Okay. Accepted," you say, pulling against her grip. "Now will you please stop touching me?" 

She finally releases you and you take several steps back, eyeing her warily. 

"We will have to remedy this immediately. I was just thinking earlier that we should go to a strip club." 

"No," you reply firmly. 

"Jake, wanna go to a strip club?" she asks over her shoulder. 

He perks up. "Sure!" 

"You don't even know what a strip club is," you say.

"That's not true! I've seen Striptease." 

You open your mouth to say something but you're not sure what so you close it again. Roxy grins at you. "Okay, fine," you say. "Whatever." 

"You coming, Jane?" she asks.

Jane blushes and raises her hands to her mouth. "Oh, I don't..."

"You should!" Jake exclaims.

Her blush deepens and she smiles shyly. "I suppose I could at least accompany you on the way."

"Great! It's settled!" Roxy says, clapping her hands. Her gaze sweeps across you and Jake. "Do you happen to own any tearaway clothing?"

"Excuse me?" you ask.

"Nothing, nothing. We'll figure it out later. To the club!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they were turned away at the door because Jake didn't have any form of ID. 
> 
> This is the end of this story, but there is a lot more to the story at large! Make sure to check out Kyrianne's [Jake: Meet French Fries](http://archiveofourown.org/works/447369) if you haven't yet. Otherwise there will be a short drabble and the first part of another multi-parter up in the next couple of days.


End file.
